November 29, 2007

A bond for life

Those tiny fingers that clasped my finger tightly all these months are now too busy with activity. My baby turned one, and I am feeling a hundred things at once, happy and proud for having her grown up into a healthy happy baby, sad that she grew up so fast and the days of baby fun are over, nostalgic about all that has happened in the past year, remorseful that I let time slip by on certain occasions and didn’t really pause and watch her grow.
It has been a wonderful experience being a mom; maybe my time as a mom has been too rosy so far as I have not got to handle the entire responsibility of having a baby as yet. I cannot thank both her grandparents enough for being there for her while I sneaked away to work ever since she was 2 months old. It is amazing how much they have taught her apart from caring for her needs.
Every morning she has waved to me as I left to work and occasionally protested on days like Monday or when she is not feeling well. But as she waves to me she has a haunting look in her eyes; I have that look embedded in my head. She asks me a hundred questions with those eyes; I will answer them all as soon as she is ready to understand.
For months after I went back to work, I always had a fear in me that my baby will not know me well. And yes, I think for several months she didn’t know me as somebody special, I was just somebody who played a “guest appearance” in her life. Our special moments were the time I nursed her, as she clasped my hand and looked up at me with those big eyes and I would talk to her. In the four waking hours a day I got with her I did not know what I should do as I would want to do a lot of things at the same time. And that feeling of having to leave her and go the next day always got the better of me. So for months I just secretly envied all the moms who would go on about how their babies stuck to them.
She still loved me a lot and ran to me with the same joy every evening and I was getting crazier about her by the day. We had a lot of good times together, but there was something missing, all the while. And one magical day it all changed. Don’t know if she took the first step or I did, I am still not sure what caused the change, but things changed and I finally had a daughter who was crazy about her amma. From that moment on there started a new bond between us, a bond that will grow stronger over the years and will remain for eternity.
I still leave to work and get back in the evening, but when we are together we forget the world and just have a good time. And I love being with her and I love the feeling I have when I get back home and she gives me the world’s greatest smile. I don’t think I will ever make the mistake of thinking about what I don’t have and waste precious time! So I am looking forward to a great year where we are going to have immeasurable moments together.


Cynthia said...

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Shruthi said...

Beautiful. I am all teary-eyed. Lots of love to both of you.

kon said...

I completely understand how you felt and how you are feeling now. I experienced the same thing with my son. He has been a momma's boy so far...2 yrs 2 months. It is a great feeling and an overwhelming one too.-kon