Balancing my plate

I skipped writing my blog post yesterday, and this post is "for" that. As in the case of most of the days, I keep some time to write at the fag end of the day, and yesterday was one of those days with several things cramped when I was in an overcharged state wanting to take on too much. And when the fag end of the day did come, I did not have an ounce of energy left in me. And I am known to have several such days constantly. I just "take on" too much, in others words.

In my mind, I think I take on what makes me happy. I have began to realize, that the driving force for me to be happy and feel fulfilled is to have a sense of achievement. Be it personally, at home, when I was working outside the house, in the business I run, in the volunteering work I do, with the kids, in my writing, socially. I love that feeling of achievement and if I don't have a constant dose of that, I am not happy. So the issue I think, maybe I am wrong, is not how much I take up, but not knowing how to prioritize all the tasks I have at hand and having to constantly send a few things to the back burner.

I have tried a few things, and they worked great for a few days and then its back to the same.

-  A fixed schedule ( Ahem, let that B now, it wont work with my family)

-  To-do lists ( There comes a time when I need a List to remind me to look at my many lists)

-  Organize things to the Tee ( Tried my best, but gave up after sometime..gets really tiresome)

-  Take a few things lightly ( I was just not being me, a big no no)

-  Don't take on more ( It is very hard to say no because I get tempted)

-  Break things into smaller tasks ( This works great actually, till there are too many of those small tasks from various projects and takes over you!)


So do you have any ideas / suggestions that have worked for you, and think might work for me to balance my full plate of tasks?

The Perfect Blend

 It is amazing how two contrasting elements when put together can blend to make a beautiful final product, be it in art, music, culinary or science. The art of course is in perfecting the small nuances like quantity, timing, proportion, balance, etc.

A successful artist is the one who is not afraid to experiment with the changing demands to still get that perfect blend.

Cheers to a decade of the perfect blend!

Fighting to fit in

I have had this issue forever, I have always bent myself a little too much to fit in. Wherever I have been, a small group, a big crowd, a new place, I have always wanted to be able to fit in without having to stand out as the odd one. Doing that in your 30s can be quite something, especially when you are beginning to realize there are no pre-made gloves that you can easily slip into, the only way out is a custom made one.

I often find myself hiding behind friendly smiles when I am in such a situation. I just want to shout out and tell everybody what I really think, but what stops me is the feeling that I might hurt them. I just like to be the amicable person at that point, but it bugs me when I mull over it at later. And on days when I have awoken with the rare determination to do and say as I please, I would have crossed the line and hurt somebody.

So this year I am in search of that delicate path upon which to tread, to be who I am and still not come across as indifferent and rude. It is just the beginning of the quest but hope to get there. As a first step, I think I have an understanding of what it takes and am working on that.

Being confident in your skin. It is especially hard, if you are not the one to follow norms. There is nobody ahead of you whose path you can follow blindly. People question your every move and go “Really”! As my little one listens to The three little pigs in the background, what is required here is building your confidence inside a house of bricks, so that the big bad wolf can’t blow it away. J

Knowing you cannot please everybody at all times. There is nothing more tiring than this. And this one is the one I find myself in most of the time, trying to please everybody.

It is ok if ok if somebody is miffed with you. If they care enough things will be back to what it was. This one is the hard one, I don’t like this feeling at all. But if I master the first two, I will face this one better for sure.

Essentially this year I am going to quit fighting with my inner self to fit into any given situation. It is not going to be a smooth ride, but any time I want to feel lighter I have a ready stress buster. More about that in tomorrow’s post! J

Bliss

It has been so long since I have written anything other than To-do lists that I feel so tongue tied or finger tied should I should say! For some inspiration I have been reading a few of my previous posts and it almost feels like another person, another life. How time flies and situations change.

This one especially caught my attention, as it was written when A was around 9 months. I was amazed how I had made a note of every small thing she did then and how much time I spent observing and exclaiming about it. And here I am 5 years later with my little Av who is a few weeks shy of 9 months, kind of wondering oh really are babies supposed to do all that around this age!

And what with being a full time mom this time around, I had expected to note down every small thing she does. It is funny how being a parent the second time is so different from the first time experience. How some things just seem like second nature, how little effort goes into the day to day things with the baby. And the one on one time you get with the baby is so less. I wonder how such an obvious thing had never occurred to me before, this is why the second borns or last borns have the personalities that they have.

My sweet little Av, yes that is the first adjective I can think of when I refer to her...Sweet. She is a people charmer with her smile and enchanting eyes. She loves being around people, can cruise through the day with hardly any naps and still keep her smiles intact (how can I take a nap and miss to see what A is doing), thinks baby food is the yuckiest thing man ever invented (give me what A is eating), does not care much for baby toys (dont bother to buy me any toys, I will play with what A has in her hands right now), thinks her sister is the world and wants to be like her right away.

And the most amazing thing about being a mom of two, is to watch the bond build between two people you care about the most. I think over the last 15 months or so that is what I have been enjoying and cherishing the most. Ever since we told A about the new baby in mimi's tummy I have watched her excitement and joy grow each day. From praying hard for a baby sister to coming up with a beautiful name for her, to drawing pictures for her on my tummy, to making small gifts for her. And the moment when she finally met her the look in her eyes that said, was all that you have been telling me really true, do I really have a baby sister now.
It is wonderful to see that love growing more each day. To think that I could give my little girl A this thing that I always wished for is such a satisfying feeling. And equally precious is to see a baby feel so much for her big sister in her tiny little heart. Seeing the awe for her hero in her little eyes is heart warming.

As much as I have been enjoying all this the past few months, my inner soul has been craving for some much needed writing. So hopefully I am back to stay this time around. But as of now now my day is made with an early morning hour of writing with the sounds of birds chirping and a mug of strong hot coffee with the kids still in bed. Ahhhh Bliss!

And then there were two!

My big kid A and my new bundle of joy Av.  And that is where I have been.

Spring Cleaning

The groundhog not seeing its shadow and the constant chirping of the birds promises that spring is near. Just what I needed as I was almost getting lost on a wrong path. There is something about a new beginning that is so exciting. I for some reason associate it with the smell of soil when it rains. It just brings a freshness to life. So its the perfect time for spring cleaning. And where do I start, right within!
With a lot of time in my hand these days it just struck me about how different I am from most people. And in the shock, I tried to be more like the majority to be a part of the crowd. And boy oh boy, I ended up making myself feel so miserable, I am never going back there again.
Lesson number one, I can never fit myself into any category of people out there. So I am just going to be myself and going to be mighty proud of that. And lesson number two, not many will really understand about who I really am. So I am going to stop getting frustrated about people not understanding me.
So with the strange being that I am with a combination of a way too matured mind and way too naive heart it is but natural for people to react strangely to me. They either think I am over and done with all earthly feelings and sitting in a rocking chair staring at my grave or they think I am too foolish for following my heart. Bottom line is I am not in the Rat Race. So quit pulling me in.
And yes if you have not already noticed it I have a more than perfect life. It did not just happen overnight, I earned it. And I deserve it. So if something about my life shakes you from the ground, re-root yourself, please do not try to uproot me.

And here begins my spring cleaning....That felt good! Now moving on to my refrigerator.

P.S - All references above are not intended to be made to any person living or dead. They are solely directed to the negativity in me. If anybody claims to represent the above mentioned the word for it is 'Coincidence'.

The right start

The right start to a day for me is when I can sit with my cup of hot coffee and allow each of my senses to do a morning stretch and wake up one by one with a smile. The days I try to skip this by gulping down my coffee when I am busy in the kitchen or when I have to hurry to get ready to leave or if I am interrupted by someone, beware everyone!

If I am at leisure and A is still asleep, I sit with the curtains drawn back to take in the visual sights of my backyard. And then if it is still the early hours of the day, the semi darkness with just a hint of sunlight and the chirping of the birds and the crickets, it is an audio visual treat! An icing on the cake for me.

A is going through a transition phase where she is skipping afternoon naps on some days and sleeping for longer hours in the night. On such days I have more time to spare before B leaves to work. So I take off for a morning walk....just me and my thoughts. There are some wooded trails very close to our community with the promise of the same chirping of the birds and the crickets.

My day's start cannot get better than this!

This one is for you

Well I am still struggling to write, yeah each word written here is being done with some effort. But I am overwhelmed with all the concern I am getting from people about why I am not able to write. I was especially deeply moved by an email I got today asking me about this.

So what do I do when I feel any emotion....well I write. That is all I have known to do. If I dont write I feel frustrated because its hard to find any other outlet for these emotions. So am I not able to feel emotions these days that I am not able to write? Or am I feeling too many emotions at once that they are all clashing with each other making my mind confused about which emotion to take the cue from to write? Yes I think that is what it is!

This is sure making me feel out of my elements.....almost like I am not able to breath. It has made me realize that I cannot be happy without writing. Not being able to write is frustrating me more than anything causing me not being able to write.

So forget serious writing...I have not been able to do that in ages. What I would like to promise myself is a post on this blog everyday. A simple post that at the least describes my previous day maybe? I think that would be a good start. It would give an outlet to convert some thoughts to words.

And Bee Gees if I may borrow your words at this time....

Its only words and words are all I need to make my heart sway.

Summer Reading

Back from India with the days and nights at our disposal in their entirety, A & I have been finding fun things to do this summer. One of the fun things we are pursuing is the local library's summer reading challenge. So these are age appropriate programs to make children read books. For A's age group the goal is 50 books between mid-june and mid-august. How fun!!! Well atleast that is what I thought...hopefully she is as excited as she looked.

Anyways the double fun is we missed a month already, so we have a month to read 50 books. So in my desperation I am picking whatever books we are spotting without being picky like I used to be. And I learnt without going with the big names and the Caldecott medal awarded books, you find many a hidden diamonds.

Apart from this we have a big kid's cycle to take for rides. I am yet to get over A riding a 16 inch bicycle. We just got it home yesterday and every time she sits on it, I am all teary eyed hugging her just for the fact that she is all so grown up. She later reminds me that she is able to ride it and then I wake up and compliment her.

And me...Amma (oh btw mimi got lost somewhere around april) is enjoying the new life so far. I am yet to do anything with all the great plans I had for myself....as I am hiding behind a big block. I am even struggling to compose emails. So by just scribbling today about everyday things, hopefully I have let some fresh air get into that little corner inside.

So here is hoping I will be writing here soon again...

Next Act

Last week I used the word for the first time against my occupation when filling A’s school’s application form: “SAHM”. That is what I will be starting Apr 1^st, yes on the popular Fool’s Day.

That is what many people thought I was when I announced my decision, so it is apt that I start this phase on this day. But my heart has never felt this “foooller” with happiness.

Apart from getting to spend a lot of good times at home the icing on the cake is going to be a 3 month vacation in India to start off with.

Hopefully this will also mean more posts on this blog. But for now my thoughts are……

The last line: The last scene of this act.

I hope I did well, there is applause.

I hope I left a special mark doing my part,

I hope I lived up to the cause.

At the beginning of the next act,

I hope that I do well that I applaud.

I hope this part will leave a special mark in my heart.

I hope I live up to my cause.

Where was I? Where I am!

While reading some of my favorite blogs, I saw a link to mine in one and followed it to see that it has been a year since I wrote. Where was I?

Well I was taking a break to be with A at the beginning of the year...loved it..I mean I simply loved it. It was a lovely break for me and we made some sweet memories to keep for life.

And then I hopped back to being a working mom since may....getting a balance of work-home all over again...A started preschool since September. In between we bought a house...and spent some time making it our home. Now...things have fallen into a rhythm...well actually I hope it will since I have made a public statement about it (like getting up as soon as the alarm goes and not sleeping in for a little longer blaming it on the cold morning).

From last year to now...I feel refreshed, content with my life. Hope B does not read this and still puts up with my day to day cribs. I guess what the mind and soul needs is a little stability, a little time to enjoy what you have. And I have that now...not in the form of a house or job or family. Its a combination of things and above all its my outlook towards things.

Last year I sulked every single day about not getting enough time with A..okay B also! And when I decided to stay home, I got the time with them I longed for. I was happy. But there are other things in the equation, for which going to work made more sense. And now I know...how it looks on both sides, I am able to make the best of what I have. Its still not ideal...but hey this is the best thats meant to be and I am happy with it and I am really thankful for what I have.

So on this happy note.....I look forward to more blogging in the coming days from Where I am!

Hero

Nine months, from a tiny cell to a beautiful baby with the food and air and the shelter provided by mom. She felt her move, she felt her kick, and she grew with her from a girl to a mom. The love and bond between mom and child is as wonderful as it is for all these reasons.
He watched her grow from a tiny cell to a beautiful baby through his wife’s belly and the work of his imagination. He smiled when she moved and leapt when she kicked and grew from a boy to a hero to be. If the love between dad and child can be as special as it gets, what can the reasons be?
A friend, a guide, a man with his arms always open for you, a talker, a listener, a critic always setting you in the right path, a clown, a joker, a man who laughs with you, a healer, a solver, a man who wipes your tears, a comforter, a protector, a man who is always there for you.
Every day is yours, but we never stop to mention just how much you mean. So on this day,
to all the dads, the real hero of every child…..and especially to the ones in my life…..A very Happy Father’s Day!

Sixth Sense

I have always wondered if this happens to everyone. Just the other day we went to see a house for rent, and as soon as I saw this place I was immediately certain this has to be our new home. We applied for the house, and waited and what did we hear! That someone else applied for the house before us and got the place. I was restless when I heard that, thought I will give it one last try and spoke to the agent, but with no luck. So it was all put behind and we started looking for other places. But this one feeling inside me kept saying we’ll be in that house. I kept shrugging it saying how silly of me! A few days later we get a call saying they want to offer us the house as it did not work out with the other folks! Now we are all set to move into this place next month.

What was that inner feeling I felt? Was it some logical thinking of my mind or hopeful wishing of my heart? I think I’d like to believe its some sixth sense that pops up from somewhere. Doesn’t stick around all the time, but just comes out of nowhere when I least expect it. It has startled me when I was led by this feeling in some of the most important incidents of my life like when I met my husband (B) or the birth of my baby. It has scared me when this feeling told me that my uncle was breathing his last when he was far away in India. It has amused me when this feeling told me at times what the other person might be thinking. But on the whole it has just amazed me, and before anybody assumes I have some super power let me tell you something, I really don’t! If I did I would have used it every single day and made my life so much easier.

I have seriously tried to force this feeling to act a lot of times and how I wish I was successful. Like when I was gambling at a casino, if only this feeling would have led me to win a few thousand bucks. At work when we are at a design meeting, if only the feeling would tell me the best possible design even before anything, I would have looked like a genius. And during those zillion arguments with B, I could have always been the winner, especially when I have to navigate when we drive; I could have always known whether we should turn left or right.

This sixth sense continues to enchant me and I wonder at what other times in my life I will encounter it. The one I wonder most about is whether it would be around to tell me when it is the end of the road!