Peekaboo

Spring Cleaning

2011-02-09T10:46:00.000-05:00

The groundhog not seeing its shadow and the constant chirping of the birds promises that spring is near. Just what I needed as I was almost getting lost on a wrong path. There is something about a new beginning that is so exciting. I for some reason associate it with the smell of soil when it rains. It just brings a freshness to life. So its the perfect time for spring cleaning. And where do I start, right within!
With a lot of time in my hand these days it just struck me about how different I am from most people. And in the shock, I tried to be more like the majority to be a part of the crowd. And boy oh boy, I ended up making myself feel so miserable, I am never going back there again.
Lesson number one, I can never fit myself into any category of people out there. So I am just going to be myself and going to be mighty proud of that. And lesson number two, not many will really understand about who I really am. So I am going to stop getting frustrated about people not understanding me.
So with the strange being that I am with a combination of a way too matured mind and way too naive heart it is but natural for people to react strangely to me. They either think I am over and done with all earthly feelings and sitting in a rocking chair staring at my grave or they think I am too foolish for following my heart. Bottom line is I am not in the Rat Race. So quit pulling me in.
And yes if you have not already noticed it I have a more than perfect life. It did not just happen overnight, I earned it. And I deserve it. So if something about my life shakes you from the ground, re-root yourself, please do not try to uproot me.

And here begins my spring cleaning....That felt good! Now moving on to my refrigerator.

P.S - All references above are not intended to be made to any person living or dead. They are solely directed to the negativity in me. If anybody claims to represent the above mentioned the word for it is 'Coincidence'.

Lines from the past

2011-01-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

As I was sorting out old books in my study, I found a sheet of paper with 8 lines of verse. It was not any work of art, or my deepest feelings or any lost treasure. But with it came back memories of my life as a graduate student. It is some silly lines written during a 7:30 am class on a cold winter day when I had dragged myself out of bed to class. I remember the scene and how distracted I was and how hard it was to even sit there that morning leave alone concentrate. I read the lines, laughed at it and put it in the recycle pile. Then I found it again fallen out of the bin and I read and laughed again. Then I put it with the shredder pile and again found it fallen down after 2 days. When I read it again I found all the memories come back again. So I decided I will post it here for myself to take me back to those days every time I read it.

I try not to think of You,
I make my eyes look at the other hues.

I strain to hear sounds other than yours,
I try not to feel the waves inside me roar.

I try my best but away from you I cannot go,
My eyes are blinded and thoughts refuse to flow.

I am obsessed by you, and feel like a looser,
I am lost in your control, dreaded hunger.

A song

2010-11-16T13:37:00.000-05:00

When I was dropping A to school today when it was raining this is what I hear her sing inspired by the song "The wheels on the bus"

The wheels on the car go round and round...
all through the town.

The wipers on the car go swish swish swish...
all through the town.

The children in the car go I want to jump in a puddle...
all through the town.

The mommies in the car go Please not now....
all through the town.

The daddies in the car go Please let them go....
all through the town.

Just a silly made up song tells you so much of what they think of you!!! (Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

Two sides to a Story - Part 5

2010-10-26T08:28:00.000-04:00

Continued from here

Gita saw the look in Meenu's eyes before she began narrating her story. It was a look of shock and disbelief. She knew that her friend could not believe that she was the same person she had known during the course of their budding friendship. Gita narrated her story which sounded like the many movies Meenu had watched. An egoistic husband who controlled his wife, and when there was opposition there were fights and strikes. Meenu could not believe that a person like Gita withstood all this for three years. Gita explained how she felt obligated to her parents who were back in India and had given their all for the wedding. Gita had been gaining strength for the three hard years from the stories she made up to her parents about a lovely happily married couple. She had been secretly praying that her life would change to that some day.

It had finally stopped raining around midnight, as Meenu sat holding Gita's hand as her friend sat expressionless. She had decided to leave to India in two days in search of the the confident Gita she had left behind three years ago. Gita had thanked Meenu many times during their conversation that evening for bringing back her old self during the little time they had spent together. It had given her the courage to finally break free from her obligations and think about herself.

As Gita got ready to leave to the airport, she hugged Meenu long and hard and told her how grateful she was for their friendship. Meenu knew she would miss her a lot but she had with her the many conversations they had in the past two days. Gita had shown her the light that she had needed to walk through the tunnel. And as for Gita, Meenu knew she was going to be leading a better life from here on.

As Meenu and Ravi drove back from the airport, amidst the many emotions there prevailed a silence. Meenu closed her eyes and surrendered to the silence, she enjoyed the calmness. It helped her grieve her friend's departure, rejoice her friend's freedom, celebrate their friendship and question her future. She was glad she could respect all these emotions with the silence that they deserved.

Ravi shifted in his seat every now and then. He looked at Meenu sitting next to him with her eyes closed. The silence unsettled him, but he was not sure what to say. He had expected Meenu to talk about her friend, to cry for her, to curse the entire male gender, to fight with him because he was a man too. He had expected her to comment on their relationship. He could do anything to know what was going through her mind then. But when he looked at her face for a clue all he could see was a calmness. He knew that this was just the calm before the storm.

Small mind, Big thoughts

2010-10-13T08:48:00.002-04:00

A: Why do dads not get babies in their tummy?

Me: It was meant to be this way. God decided that is how it will be that moms carry babies and not dads.

A: But why did God decide this way. Why not dads have baby in their tummys?

Me: Hmmmmmmn....(thinking frantically for some convincing answer)...I...am not sure..maybe...

A: I know....I know. Because dads cannot take a break from work for the baby but moms can take a break!

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Situation: We had been counting coins from the piggy bank.

A: We have so much money!!!

That evening after B returns from work

A: Appa you dont have to go to office tomorrow.

B: Why is that. Tomorrow is not a holiday.

A: No appa you dont have to go to work anymore. You can play with me all day like mimi.

B: No A, I cannot do that but I can play with you on weekends.

A: No appa, we now have a lot of money. Mimi and I counted a lot of money today. You dont have to go to work any more!

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A: I wish I had golden hair like Barbie

Me: Why is that. Dont you like the black hair we have because of where we are from.

A: Do we have black hair because we are from India?

Me: Yes our skin and hair is usually from where we are.

A: Who has golden hair?

Me: Some of the people from America do.

A: But I was born in America, why dont I have golden hair?!

Me: (Corrected my explanation to be more specific about origins and inhabitants)

Navratri at my place

2010-10-11T16:10:00.000-04:00

This is what has kept us busy last week. It has been a fun experience and I am already looking forward to next year's.

Five steps of the Golu/Dasara Bombe

The first 3 steps has traditional gods/dolls and the fourth had three fairy tales depicted with A's toys and the last step has a zoo

The chennapatna dancer is my favorite. I had to search for it quite a bit when I went to India this time.

Snow White, Cinderella and Alice in Wonderful seen in the background of the Zoo

The rest of the zoo with the water animals

Without You

2010-09-28T13:41:00.003-04:00

When You are not here,
It seems like the sun has not risen.
When You are not here,
It seems like the wind has lost direction.
When You are not here,
It seems like there will be no rains,
When You are not here,
It seems like the world is filled with pains.
When You are not here,
It seems like my eyes are not seeing.
When You are not here,
It seems like my skin is not feeling.
When You are not here,
It seems like my head is not thinking.
When You are not here,
It seems like I am not living.

New Look

2010-09-27T20:59:00.004-04:00

I think I finally found a look I like for my blog. The picture is a painting that A made for me about a year ago for my office cubicle. Those vibrant colors stroked by her tiny fingers brightened many gloomy mornings. 'This will make you happy when you think of me mimi', she had said and it was so true. This painting really did have that effect on me. And a big thank you to my then colleague KeepingitSimple for recording this digitally just as it was in my cubicle.

Hoping this has the same effect on my blog too!

It is not easy to be me

2010-09-24T16:42:00.005-04:00

Fate had me to be born in America to parents born and brought up in India. What does that mean to a little girl like me, well a lot!

Life is not as simple for me as it is for my American friends born to American parents. They have fun and follow traditions during the holidays here. We celebrate some of the American holidays too, but I find my parents lost thinking what to really do. And it is not only these that we are celebrating. We have the Indian festivals too that my parents are so excited about. And both put together there are so many that I sometimes find it hard to remember what comes when. And when I excitedly go tell my friends about Diwali or Navaratri they look so lost.

When I went to India it was a lot of fun, but it was a lot hard too. Initially everybody was shocked at how little I spoke in any other language than English, but towards the end of my three months vacation they wondered why I did not have an American accent like their relative's kids. My parents insisted I speak in our language there as much as possible, but the kids in the playground replied back in English. I was made to recite Slokas while my friends there were free to sing any English song they wanted. It was all very confusing to me.

And then there are these friendly comments from everybody. My diet gets filled with sweets and butter when family in India think I am not chubby enough. Then I am soon spooning a lot of fruits and vegetables after a friendly American asks my parents if they have checked my BMI lately. There is so much obesity in America you see!

And then there are expectations set by others like me, I have to have the right amount of geekiness in me from my Indian genes and the right amount of groomed skills and social etiquette from my American environment. What will our friends think if I dont read at four and add complex numbers being of Indian origin? What will my uncle's neighbor's cousin think if I am not going to ballet classes?

So with all these expectations set, its not a surprise when I get looks when I say something that is not expected. Like when I listen to the song My name is Madhavi from Karadi Tales, I sing my name is A, I am from America and I speak English, I look up to see my parents exchanging a look. Or when I hear a song of Raffi, All I really need.........so that I can grow up strong and take the place where I belong, I say I belong in India, that is where my family is and I am going to move there, and I again see my parents exchange a look. I get laughed at when I call Salami as Ras-malai as for some reason I think they sound similar.

It is true that everything to me comes in two folds, the pains and gains. At just the sheer beginning of my life I am experiencing lifestyles from two different corners of the world. From the folktales of India to the humor of Dr. Seuss, from the pumpkin pies of Halloween to Pongal, from the lehengas to the leggings, from M S Subbulakshmi to Raffi, from Ballet to Bhangra, there has been plenty of variety. And with all this variety I have had a terrific start to my quest of knowledge and information.

After thrusting all these complications into my life they even have a name for me, ABCD (American Born Confused Desi). Sometimes I think it stands for American Born Controlled Desi.

All I know is that I just want to grow up like me, without the controversies and the expectations. And other times I wonder if that is what will form me. But whatever it is I wish I grow up to be an American Born Confident Desi.

---Perceived thoughts of a little girl at the door of four.

Two sides to a Story - Part 4

2010-09-24T08:21:00.005-04:00

Continued from here

Meenu looked at her watch for the third time as she waited for Gita at the restaurant where they had planned to meet for lunch. She had met Gita a week ago when they had gone to the movies and they had instantly taken a liking to each other. Atul and Gita made a lovely couple and Meenu had found herself glancing every now and then, at them together. She had thought that they made a perfect couple.

As she thought of that night, Gita walked in. They had a nice lunch together complete with a hearty conversation in which they took each other through a journey of their life so far. Meenu was in awe of Gita, she was the girl she always wanted to be. Gita's confident and outspoken self was a contrast to her submissive and enduring nature. She knew they had just sown the seeds of friendship that would grow for a long time.

The next few weeks went in many lunches and phone conversations between them. Their friendship shone amidst the light of their stark differences. Meenu could not help but draw comparisons to her life with Gita's. She secretly wished she was as outspoken as Gita then she would have been able to have a perfect life like hers.

Ravi had been happy that Meenu had finally found a friend she liked. But he had been noticing that she now spoke all the time about Gita and her life. She had a dreamy look in her eyes all the time and she got lost in her thoughts every now and then. For the first time he got the feeling that Meenu was not really happy with what she had. He wanted to know so that he can help fill the void but he was not sure.

Meenu was curled up reading a book one rainy afternoon when she got that phone call. It seemed like the voice from the other side came from far away and it was more like a sob. She recognized the voice but her heart refused to believe that it was a voice she knew. She did not associate a meek helpless cry as the voice she looked upto. Amidst the cries she recognized the words Open the Door. When she did she saw her friend Gita drenched in the rain, her eyes looked like pale clouds pouring out saline rain, her face looked ashamed to reveal to her friend a side that she had hidden so well all along.

Life on my windowsill

2010-09-16T08:59:00.002-04:00

It is a pleasure to see this every morning on my sunny kitchen windowsill. To think that I did not think of this before is a shame! Given how less of a time and effort it takes to plant these. I used fenugreek seeds and corriander seeds from my spice box. Just soaked them in water for a day and then drained and wrapped it in a kitchen towel and let it sprout for another day. I used small plastic drinking glasses to plant them in. (Now I am thinking I should have used something bigger considering how well they are doing) Just water them everyday with a lot of love. And the light green leaves that sprout out send back to you double the happiness! I have a mint shrub in my backyard, and am just attempting to grow it indoors for the winter months. It is taking time but is still doing well. I promise you just do it and you will love it. Not to mention that a yummy dish of aloo methi will just be a pluck away!

Two sides to a Story - Part 3

2010-09-06T08:56:00.003-04:00

Continued from here

Ravi had been uprooted from his country 5 years ago and the mechanical pace of his new life had slowly turned him into a robot. He was instantly likeable by everybody but he was not very sensitive to emotions any more. He had spent too much time on himself for these years, grooming himself physically and emotionally to suit his new environment to become insensitive to others feelings. He had stepped onto the belt of life that rode at the highest speed and he did not have time for much. He was on a mission to prove it to all and he made sure he did not miss an opportunity. Now he had his wife by his side on the belt.

Meenu had been a romantic at heart. She never failed to notice the beauty in everything around her. She was a dreamer, taking life at her pace. She found it difficult to understand why Ravi led his life at such a pace. She did not understand why he had no time for anything other than the essentials or that attracted the attention of his friends. She tried to run her life at his pace, but her heart tripped, her mind stumbled and her life fell.

Their life together had varied hues of the day two weeks after she landed. It was painted with her imagination and dreams and his vision and plans. She tried to speak to him about how she really felt, but words denied her. All her lips could sport was a smile. He saw her smile and his day could not have been better. She was with him in everything he achieved.

As she seasoned the sambar she saw him enter the house. She had imagined their dinner that evening, about what she would tell him and how he would finally see what she wanted. He was a good man, he would understand at once she thought. Ravi strode inside the house excitedly sporting two tickets to a movie which would start in an hour. He rushed Meenu upstairs to dress her best as they were going with a group of friends from work. He loved to surprise Meenu like this every now and then. In thirty minutes they left together, leaving behind the sambar and the conversation at the table for another day.

Two sides to a Story - Part 2

2010-08-29T09:51:00.008-04:00

Continued from here

Meenu awakened to the sound of rain that early saturday morning. She rushed out to the balcony to watch the rain as it brought memories from back home. Her family had made some beautiful memories of such cozy rainy days. She thought it was a perfect start to the day, finally Ravi and she would get a chance to spend some good time together. The two weeks since she came had gone by with she being jet lagged and he being busy at work catching up with things. She got lost in her thoughts of how good the day would be as her imagination sketched a beautiful picture of the day.

Ravi awakened to the ring of his cellular phone that mid saturday morning. It was his friend Atul reminding him of their saturday morning routine to head to the gym. Ravi looked outside the window and thought what a dull rainy day. He would have just loved to have slept till evening, but he was looking forward to going to the gym with his buddy. It was not so much about the exercising as it was getting to have a good talk with Atul about politics and the market trend.

Meenu was setting the table for breakfast when she saw Ravi come downstairs dressed in his workout attire. Her heart sank, she had imagined a warm breakfast together with a hearty conversation forgetting his weekly gym routine. Ravi was already late when he saw the table laid out, he was kicking himself for not having reminded Meenu about his gym routine. He hurriedly explained to her and left promising to himself that he will make it up to her for this.

Meenu sat reading a book, as she heard Ravi enter the house. She hurried to greet him downstairs as she thought of how she was going to start all over to make it a beautiful day. Ravi had been thinking during his drive back home about how he would make Meenu really happy. He could not wait to tell Meenu how he had decided to introduce her to all his friends. And he could not wait to see his friends' expressions on seeing his lovely wife and taste the delicious food she cooked for all of them that evening. All their wonderful comments would make her really happy. That way he would have made up to her for that morning as well.

Meenu for the next few hours washed, chopped, sauteed, ground, fried, stirred and garnished her emotions. Ravi had been busy calling and inviting all his friends for dinner. Ravi thought Meenu looked flawless in her saree, her face made up and lit with a smile. Meenu looked at Ravi's proud face swallowing and smiling more. Meenu was drowned in praises and Ravi thanked everybody for it. He felt elated and as he saw her smile he had no doubts that he had made his wife really happy. Meenu felt tired and as she saw Ravi's happy face she knew that her smile had deceived him and she would never tell him about how she had really felt that day.

To be continued....

Two sides to a Story - Part 1

2010-08-16T08:16:00.007-04:00

Meenu stirred the sambar in the pot, seeing the red of the sambar powder and the yellow of the lentils unite in harmony. She wished she could say the same about her wedding with Ravi. She had met him a year ago at a friend's wedding where both of them were dressed their best, it had been instant attraction. There was a lot of happiness around, there were friends who teased, relatives who stared, parents who encouraged and they were engaged in a week's time. They were married within six months during his next visit to India.

She had packed her bags dreamily for a new life that awaited her in a new land. She felt like she was flying like a parachute lifted to the skies by her dreams as the plane had taken off. The next few days went in a blur with her intoxicated by the fatigue of the travel mixed with the excitement of a new place. It was that day exactly two weeks after she landed when she first got a taste of reality.

Ravi sped across the highway in his new car, he had bought it two months ago. He had fallen in love with it instantly at the showroom just like the way he had fallen for his lovely wife. His life could not have got better he thought looking at a flock of birds flying back home. He smiled at the thought of the day when he had first seen her, he still felt the same way after a year now.

When he had flown to get married he was a little worried if he would indeed be happy with Meenu. He knew he liked her but they had spent a mere ten days during his last visit amongst a galore of people. There had been everyday phone calls but they were filled with giggles, teasing, laughter and excitement leaving him in a delirious state. The days around the wedding flew with a festive flare as he eagerly awaited the day of their return. As the plane landed he felt normalcy return back to his life. Things had been good since the day she entered his life and his house. But it was that day exactly two weeks after they landed that he felt he was the happiest man alive.

To be continued....

An encounter at the Park

2010-08-13T15:59:00.004-04:00

A was playing with a boy of 51/2 at the park today. They seemed to get along well though they were 2 years apart. As I watched them play, I was chatting with the boy's mom and expressing that the kids seem to be playing really well. A girl of 6 overhears our conversation and says I think he is in love. I just laughed out loud and the little boy's mom explained to her that her son is very friendly and there is nothing like that. So the young lady of 6 explains that she knows when it is different, when you are in love it is not the same as being friends! GOSH have things turned so topsy turvy in this world that you have to hear this from a 6 year old!

Well we dismissed the girl as overly talkative and continued looking at the kids play. When it was time to leave, the little boy's mom and I exchanged contact information and told the kids to say bye to each other. The kids hug...oh how sweet we think. The boy asks A how about a kiss!?! I still did not get it. I thought it was an innocent remark like how many of her friends in school would want to do it and the teachers and moms explained about germs. His mom says no and he looked a little disappointed but he says, I think I like you A, I might marry you when I grow up!

The right start

2010-08-12T09:02:00.003-04:00

The right start to a day for me is when I can sit with my cup of hot coffee and allow each of my senses to do a morning stretch and wake up one by one with a smile. The days I try to skip this by gulping down my coffee when I am busy in the kitchen or when I have to hurry to get ready to leave or if I am interrupted by someone, beware everyone!

If I am at leisure and A is still asleep, I sit with the curtains drawn back to take in the visual sights of my backyard. And then if it is still the early hours of the day, the semi darkness with just a hint of sunlight and the chirping of the birds and the crickets, it is an audio visual treat! An icing on the cake for me.

A is going through a transition phase where she is skipping afternoon naps on some days and sleeping for longer hours in the night. On such days I have more time to spare before B leaves to work. So I take off for a morning walk....just me and my thoughts. There are some wooded trails very close to our community with the promise of the same chirping of the birds and the crickets.

My day's start cannot get better than this!

Words...in passing

2010-08-09T15:28:00.002-04:00

Nothing happens as planned over here,

we are once here and the next minute there.

Playing with the energy of three year olds,

To match yours I have to exert two folds.

I wake up with the hopes of achieving a lot,

But time drifts and all I can hope for is to stay afloat.

But I have not felt lighter, mentally I mean,

You are showing me places for days that I have not seen.

P.S - Okay I had planned to write much more...but not with a book on CD reading children poems right into my ears and A asking questions about the pictures in the book. I think I will retire satisfied today that I wrote all this in less than 10 minutes.

This one is for you

2010-08-06T10:36:00.003-04:00

Well I am still struggling to write, yeah each word written here is being done with some effort. But I am overwhelmed with all the concern I am getting from people about why I am not able to write. I was especially deeply moved by an email I got today asking me about this.

So what do I do when I feel any emotion....well I write. That is all I have known to do. If I dont write I feel frustrated because its hard to find any other outlet for these emotions. So am I not able to feel emotions these days that I am not able to write? Or am I feeling too many emotions at once that they are all clashing with each other making my mind confused about which emotion to take the cue from to write? Yes I think that is what it is!

This is sure making me feel out of my elements.....almost like I am not able to breath. It has made me realize that I cannot be happy without writing. Not being able to write is frustrating me more than anything causing me not being able to write.

So forget serious writing...I have not been able to do that in ages. What I would like to promise myself is a post on this blog everyday. A simple post that at the least describes my previous day maybe? I think that would be a good start. It would give an outlet to convert some thoughts to words.

And Bee Gees if I may borrow your words at this time....

Its only words and words are all I need to make my heart sway.

Summer Reading

2010-07-15T15:49:00.003-04:00

Back from India with the days and nights at our disposal in their entirety, A & I have been finding fun things to do this summer. One of the fun things we are pursuing is the local library's summer reading challenge. So these are age appropriate programs to make children read books. For A's age group the goal is 50 books between mid-june and mid-august. How fun!!! Well atleast that is what I thought...hopefully she is as excited as she looked.

Anyways the double fun is we missed a month already, so we have a month to read 50 books. So in my desperation I am picking whatever books we are spotting without being picky like I used to be. And I learnt without going with the big names and the Caldecott medal awarded books, you find many a hidden diamonds.

Apart from this we have a big kid's cycle to take for rides. I am yet to get over A riding a 16 inch bicycle. We just got it home yesterday and every time she sits on it, I am all teary eyed hugging her just for the fact that she is all so grown up. She later reminds me that she is able to ride it and then I wake up and compliment her.

And me...Amma (oh btw mimi got lost somewhere around april) is enjoying the new life so far. I am yet to do anything with all the great plans I had for myself....as I am hiding behind a big block. I am even struggling to compose emails. So by just scribbling today about everyday things, hopefully I have let some fresh air get into that little corner inside.

So here is hoping I will be writing here soon again...

Encounter with a Three Year Old

2010-03-26T13:57:00.005-04:00

** I found this saved on my computer when I was cleaning up. It was written on Jan 5th and never got to posting it**

Favorite color – Used to be pink and orange, but my parents chose a blue room for me so now it is blue.

Favorite restaurant – Vapiano (I love the penne pasta there with butter and cheese)

Favorite book – If you give a mouse a cookie and Brown Bear Brown Bear what do you see

Favorite playtime game – Being mommy

Favorite card game – Five Little Monkeys

Favorite Line – I am threeeeee years now!

Favorite Game with mom – School game/Memory Cards

Favorite Game with Dad - Building things with Lego

When I become a big girl – I want to be a doctor, a chef, a painter (not the drawing painter, painter who paints the walls) and a farmer.

Favorite Fruit – Pear

Favorite Vegetable – Vendekaayi = Vendakka + Bendekaayi (Okra)

Favorite Thing to do – Dance to bollywood music

Favorite Song – Desi Girl

Favorite Sloka – Mudakaratha Modhakam

Favorite Pet – Dog, I want a dog for a pet but my mommy is scared of dogs L

Scared of – Watching movies in the movie hall, they switch off the lights and put the TV so loud!

Person I can recognize on TV – President Obama

Favorite TV show – Dora the Explorer / Olivia

Favorite Activity in School – Art

Favorite Big People’s TV Channel – Food Network

One word I still cannot say – Knife (I say Life for it) (My parents never correct me, they would love for me to never get it right, because the day I do then there will be no baby talk left in me!)

Some of my ambitions - To go to office when I become Fiiiiive years.

To go to ballet class when I become Fiiiiive years.

** So many answers dont hold good today about 21/2 months later, but I didnt want to change a word for memories sake. Gal you are growing up too fast! **

Next Act

2010-03-23T11:18:00.003-04:00

Last week I used the word for the first time against my occupation when filling A’s school’s application form: “SAHM”. That is what I will be starting Apr 1^st, yes on the popular Fool’s Day.

That is what many people thought I was when I announced my decision, so it is apt that I start this phase on this day. But my heart has never felt this “foooller” with happiness.

Apart from getting to spend a lot of good times at home the icing on the cake is going to be a 3 month vacation in India to start off with.

Hopefully this will also mean more posts on this blog. But for now my thoughts are……

The last line: The last scene of this act.

I hope I did well, there is applause.

I hope I left a special mark doing my part,

I hope I lived up to the cause.

At the beginning of the next act,

I hope that I do well that I applaud.

I hope this part will leave a special mark in my heart.

I hope I live up to my cause.

Some like this and some like that

2010-01-27T17:19:00.004-05:00

Some are like starved men fighting for the last slice of bread.

Some are like bold words that sound best when unsaid.

Some are like seeds that can’t fight the cold to germinate.

Some are like pests that you have to terminate.

Some are like flickers of a dragon fly.

Some are like a touch me not, too shy.

Some are like a volcano ready to explode.

Some are like orphans all on their own.

These are the kinds of thoughts in my head,

In the name of a writer’s block they are to put to bed.

Vegetarian?Oh Really!

2009-12-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

I have been a vegetarian all my life and never thought too much about it till there came a time I had to explain to A that some people eat meat and seafood. And this was at a time when she absolutely loved animals. She had given me the longest stare possible when I first told her about it. I had started it off with just telling her that some people eat chicken but we don’t eat chicken; if anybody offers you chicken say “No chicken”. So there she was around 18 months…when anybody asked “A you want chicken” she would go “No chicken”.

That was easy and she went to a home day care and did not really have a lot of problems of being a vegetarian. Then she started preschool this September and turned out to be the only vegetarian in the class. So she reminds the teachers every day that she is a vegetarian. If she sees anything brown in her plate, maybe even grilled potatoes, she calls them and tells them she does not eat meat. It is kind of a joke at her school that she is so cautious and reminds her teachers every day. But I am so proud of her to have been able to understand the fact that we are different and that is how we have to be!

And then there are our grocery shopping experiences at international markets where there are live sea animals. She is enthralled by them, she repeatedly asks us to take her closer to them so that she can see them. After that she is very quiet deeply thinking about how people eat them. We have not introduced the concept of death to her as yet. So in her tiny mind there is one piece of the puzzle missing. She knows that people eat them and they look different when they cook it (thanks to food network of which she is a big fan). But she doesn’t get what happens to them after they are cooked and go inside people. I can almost read that question on her face every time she thinks about it. But she has not brought out the question as yet. Thank god for that, I am in no hurry to explain this to her. Already I feel she is growing up too soon.

And now when I am on this topic how can I forget the many questions I had from friends as soon as she was born if she is going to be fed meat. The first time I heard this question I gave them back such a stare as though to say are you out of your mind. Why would I make my daughter different from what we are?? And I heard many theories of how our vegetarian food lacked this and that and how many parents are opting not to bring up their kids as vegetarians. Well, I think generations of us have survived without any issues different from meat eaters, so why will things go wrong for her? And moreover it’s a personal choice, if somebody decided to give their kids meat, it is their choice I am not saying it is wrong. But what gets to me is when people react as though we are depriving our daughter of her basic rights or something. When she grows up and is capable of deciding for her own then it is totally her choice.

So in the meantime she is being raised as a vegetarian and will probably go through many such experiences. Her future will probably involve going for a group lunch to a restaurant and finding there is no vegetarian dish on the menu, talking to the waiter about making a standard pasta dish with meat without the meat. And sitting with her friends watching their food arrive, and still waiting on hers and wondering why, just why does it take so long for somebody to make pasta with lesser ingredients than what her friend is now eating!

Thoughts of Home

2009-11-04T12:59:00.002-05:00

Thoughts of home have been haunting me for a few days now. When I say thoughts of home…it is not so much family and friends, it is the thoughts of Bangalore.

The memories of places that I used to frequent, the streets, the people, the markets, the language, the monsoon rains, the restaurants, the food…I can go on and on.

I am visiting Bangalore after 3 years in April and though I am really excited about the visit I am more nervous. I don’t want to witness what I have heard; I don’t want to experience what the others did. I have foolish false hopes of going back to the place and see it like the way I left it. Okay a little change is alright, the changes are okay in the hotspots of the city. But the residential areas still have the town feel right? Oh I so hope it does! I have spoken to A so much about the way things were when we grew up, I have described every single thing in so much detail that with me the poor kid is also going to be in for a shock!

Like for example one of our favorite games that we play is “Tarkari maro aata” (Vegetable selling game). She comes around with a basket of plastic fruits and vegetables and pretends to be a street seller. These guys still come on the roads right?? One of my favorite ones would go screaming “Kotambri, Puddina Karben soppu” with a style that nobody can match! And what about “Kaali bottle shisha paepaaaaar” ?

The other game we play with her is auto game. We take turns pretending to be the auto driver and the other says something like “Barthira Jayanagara”! She is so excited about autos now and is waiting to ride in one.

We have given her descriptions of all our favorite eating joints. And all the heart wishes for is not any of those fancy restaurants that existed then or any of the many new ones that have cropped up now. Okay I am curious to go to those too but not until I go to all the old timer places first and eat the authentic stuff. Maybe I will do a post someday with my list of must eat places when I go to Bangalore.

I last visited Bangalore in March 2007, but with a 3 month old baby, I could not do much. I flew out without stepping on MG Road, it was so bad!!! When I hear about the changes that have happened to that street I so regret not having gone there last time.

So with all these thoughts in my head for the past few days, I have been trying to feel at home by making Canteen style Yellow Pulav, Set dose with Sagu. It is not the same, especially because you don’t get it by just saying the name. Well I should not be complaining so much when there are restaurants here that make “Do-sas”.

Where was I? Where I am!

2009-10-02T15:27:00.005-04:00

While reading some of my favorite blogs, I saw a link to mine in one and followed it to see that it has been a year since I wrote. Where was I?

Well I was taking a break to be with A at the beginning of the year...loved it..I mean I simply loved it. It was a lovely break for me and we made some sweet memories to keep for life.

And then I hopped back to being a working mom since may....getting a balance of work-home all over again...A started preschool since September. In between we bought a house...and spent some time making it our home. Now...things have fallen into a rhythm...well actually I hope it will since I have made a public statement about it (like getting up as soon as the alarm goes and not sleeping in for a little longer blaming it on the cold morning).

From last year to now...I feel refreshed, content with my life. Hope B does not read this and still puts up with my day to day cribs. I guess what the mind and soul needs is a little stability, a little time to enjoy what you have. And I have that now...not in the form of a house or job or family. Its a combination of things and above all its my outlook towards things.

Last year I sulked every single day about not getting enough time with A..okay B also! And when I decided to stay home, I got the time with them I longed for. I was happy. But there are other things in the equation, for which going to work made more sense. And now I know...how it looks on both sides, I am able to make the best of what I have. Its still not ideal...but hey this is the best thats meant to be and I am happy with it and I am really thankful for what I have.

So on this happy note.....I look forward to more blogging in the coming days from Where I am!

Thoughts at Thirty

2008-09-23T11:48:00.001-04:00

At ten I thought I could conquer the world,
At twenty I thought dreams are meant to come true.
At thirty I think I know what reality means,
I can now smile at my dreams and work hard at my goals.

At ten I could not wait to be all grown up,
At twenty I thought youth is there to last forever.
At thirty I know the value of time and stop to enjoy the moment,
With inspiration from yesterday and eagerness about tomorrow.

At ten I tried to follow every word I was told,
At twenty I differed to almost everything I heard.
At thirty I am happy when I agree and proud when I disagree,
And I know how to balance my happiness with my pride.

At ten I thought good education will take me far,
At twenty I thought that a great career will take me farther.
At thirty I think patience will take me the furthest,
With patience on my side, everything else will follow.

At ten I took things for granted,
At twenty I wished things got granted.
At thirty I know I cannot take anything for granted,
And also know that I should not grant everything.

At ten I was happy with life,
At twenty I was excited about life.
At thirty I am looking forward to life,
To enjoy what I have and experience what is to come.

Twenty One months

2008-08-27T16:20:00.003-04:00

Time just flies; the fact that I feel I just delivered but A is now twenty one months old just proves that. Yes she is a handful now, but to run behind her is a pleasure not to mention the money we save not needing to go to the gym! And she is an earful, she talks and talks and talks some more. I think I said I missed the baby but I love this toddler. Every day is packed with more fun, excitement and laughter.
She does a lot of things worth blogging about but the highlight so far is her talking…it out beats anything else she does. So here in her own words...

Me: Hello..A
A: Hey Mimi, what are-ya doing there? I am good how are you?
Me: I am ok; just a little….
A: Are you tired? Are you sleepy? Are you hungry? You want mamm mamm? Wait I will get for-ya. Are you full?
Me: I am fine..don’t worry. So what are you doing?
A: Changing Lili’s diaper. She has done aah.
Talking to Lili: Do you want to sit on the potty? No? You want to wear diaper?

Me: Shall we read a book?
A: Mimi rhymes book? I want nursery rhymes…I want Yankee Doooodle
Me: Okay Yankee Doodle….
A: comes to town..riding pooony, stuck feather in his kaap and called makaroni…lala….laaala
A: Is this Barney song?
Me: No its Yankee Doodle
A: No it is Barney song. I saw in TV in aunty’s house. It is Barney song.

(In the amusement park)
Me: Are you having fun A? Come let us sit on this ride.
A: No I don’t want. I am scared.
Me: Why are you scared? Are you not a brave girl?
A: No I am not a brave girl, I want to go home.

(When I am getting ready for work)
A: Mimi you are wearing this dress? It is looking very pretty. Shall I put button for-ya?
M: Thanks baby..I am ready.
A: Mimi shall I put this earring for-ya? It is very butiful.

(When I am busy in the kitchen and I suddenly realize everything is too quiet for comfort)
Me: A..what are you doing?
A: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…mimi I got scared.
(Comes running to get me) See…what I have done here.
(The carpet is filled with shredded cheese because she got a bright idea to eat it with a fork!)

(When we had ordered indian food home)
B: What is mimi doing?
A: Mimi is eating paneer. Paneer is mimi’s favorite.
B: What is your favorite?
A: Rice is my favorite. It is very yummy and tasty tasty.
B: What is appa’s favorite?
A: Appa’s favorite is Naan.

(Playing with a puzzle that my friend S gave her)
A: Idu S dodamma kotta. It is very nice. Amele…elephant kotta. Where is dodamma?
Me: She is in Texas.
(Next day she goes to the day care and they have a guest from Texas and they have mentioned it in front of her)
A: (She comes home) Dodamma come to aunty’s house

(Getting down from the car after shopping)
A: I will carry the bags.
Me: It is heavy A, I will carry it.
(Talking to B) We have to stop this habit of hers where she wants to behave like a big girl.
A: (Listening intently) Mimi I am a big girl.

(Story Time)
Me: Can you tell me a story?
A: One day….there was a lion. Ant came to lion and lion rooaaar.

Me: Idu ninge beka, bedava? (Do you want this or no?)
A: Bedava
Me: Oh kaalige yen aythu? Yelli gaaya aythu? (What happened to your leg, where did u get hurt)
A: NaLe….nambo… play madakkaaaaa….A keelzhe dum bidha panakkaaaa….appo kaal abbu maadide.

Hero

2008-06-14T23:07:00.006-04:00

Nine months, from a tiny cell to a beautiful baby with the food and air and the shelter provided by mom. She felt her move, she felt her kick, and she grew with her from a girl to a mom. The love and bond between mom and child is as wonderful as it is for all these reasons.
He watched her grow from a tiny cell to a beautiful baby through his wife’s belly and the work of his imagination. He smiled when she moved and leapt when she kicked and grew from a boy to a hero to be. If the love between dad and child can be as special as it gets, what can the reasons be?
A friend, a guide, a man with his arms always open for you, a talker, a listener, a critic always setting you in the right path, a clown, a joker, a man who laughs with you, a healer, a solver, a man who wipes your tears, a comforter, a protector, a man who is always there for you.
Every day is yours, but we never stop to mention just how much you mean. So on this day,
to all the dads, the real hero of every child…..and especially to the ones in my life…..A very Happy Father’s Day!

Waiting for Lili..

2008-03-14T11:58:00.007-04:00

We ordered a doll for A over the internet and we have all been eagerly waiting for her arrival. Lili is what the manufacturers call her and since A picked up the name right away thats what we are going to call her too. A has had just one other doll, a very small baby doll. Thanks to our concern that she should not become a typical girl only playing with dolls and house sets, she never had too many girly stuff. She has a lot of soft toys, animal figures, books, learning toys...but never a cute little doll. We began to notice that she has started enjoying dressing up, noticing her clothes, feeling happy when somebody said she looked cute and wearing bindi and bangles, so we decided its finally time to buy her a doll. A has been seeing her picture everyday since a week and telling us that Lili will come home 'Appromma' (Later in tamil). So finally she
is arriving today...(I think I am going to hug the guy who will deliver the parcel).

Memory Teasers

2008-03-05T23:53:00.011-05:00

I have been having a tough time with my memory ever since I got pregnant. All the books I read and people I spoke to claimed that this is a common thing during pregnancy. So I just brushed it aside and just made fun of it. But now in my 16th month post-pregnancy, I still struggle to remember things. I am doing a little better these days trying to get more organized in a (ahem) ‘mature’ way with the help of tools like Google Calendar. And this is why the article in this month’s Reader’s Digest caught my attention; ’Memory Tricks You Won’t Forget’.
Here are my favorite tricks from that.

1: How do you remember names?

Trick: Pay attention and visualize the name and create memorable associations.

I am introduced to my new colleague, Bobby Sawyer. First I listen to his name attentively and then I start visualizing…. Rishi and Dimple singing..Hum tum (tara rumpumpumpum) ek kamare mein banda ho…..
Now every time I meet him in the hallway I exclaim “Hey Bobby, how is it going?” and my mind goes tara rumpumpumpum….and he exclaims “You always look so happy when I see you”.

2: How do you remember where you last kept something?

Trick: When keeping something always remember to tell yourself loud and clear that you are keeping it there.

I get back home and as I am entering I remind myself, to remind myself while keeping the key about where I am keeping it. Somehow reminding myself two times seems to work!

3: What else did I have to do today?

Trick 1: Use your body parts to remember things when you don’t have a paper or pen to make a list.

I have forgotten the Indian grocery list at home (nothing new) so I call B and ask him to dictate the list while I am driving. I go into the store and I try to remember what I need to get.
Head – Nuts
Hair – Cilantro (Remembering being teased a lot of times as ‘Nindu jutta illa kotambri katta’('Is that your ponytail or a bunch of coriander leaves') ,
Shoulders (Bhuja in Kannada) – Bhujia
Hands - Haldi (Turmeric) and Chandan(Sandalwood) (Remembering Vicco turmeric....nahi cosmetic)
Fingers – Okra
Butt - Battani (Peas)
Legs - Legumes

Trick 2: Roman Technique – In this method you associate your grocery or party invite list or to-do list with the rooms of your house or route to work, etc.

A task list for a day at work

Entrance - Enter the latest code changes for testing.
Closet – File papers in hanging folders.
Living Room – Attend a meeting for deciding a date for the project going Live.
Kitchen – Meet a colleague for coffee to talk about what is cooking in the office.
Dining – Book a conference room for a lunch meeting.
Bathroom – Update the release document.
Guestroom – Finish up the user manual when pretending to be busy when there are unwanted guests in your cube.
Bedroom – Manager has a meeting between 2 and 3, best time for a nap.
Backyard - Prepare stratergical explanations for back-logs.

4: What is my password?

Trick: Rhyme the numbers with words

To remember a password of 2349 I tried this

Who (Two)
said my memory (Three)
is not more (Four)
than fine (Nine).

40 weeks of you

2008-02-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

These weeks were some of the best in my life,
With the feeling of housing a tiny life,
With the joy of meeting a part of me,
With all the excitement of a mother-to-be.

You gave me energy that I never had,
Nothing ever seemed too bad.
I was absolutely in love with life,
It felt like walking in someone else’s shoe.

I sang and my listener moved,
I danced and my partner kicked,
I ate and my buddy did a somersault,
I was never alone, and that gave me a confidence like never before.

My tastes were different as can be,
My reactions were strangers to me.
I could carry myself in anything,
I could make myself not worry about a single thing.

I have often wondered if I was being you,
Is that how you are going to grow up to be?
Whatever it is I can tell you so,
I totally enjoyed the 40 weeks of you.

Flying through Changes

2008-02-14T11:12:00.008-05:00

We moved into our new home about eight months ago; we have a pretty cozy nest going here. My partner and I live together here with our 4 kids. With the numerous changes that have come over this place, many of our friends and family have left the city and moved to greener pastures. But we are more the city types, we enjoy watching all the activities that go on through the day and the food- it is really hard to even think of moving away from this variety. What else do we birds need anyways?

I have been having a lot of time on my claws these days as the kids have been learning to fly and hunt for food from their father. I don’t have to go too far for food as we live in one of the trees in the backyard of a house, so there is always plenty of food that comes from the house. Earlier when we lived on trees near a house we always knew when they were cooking something, the aromas never failed to get us prepared. Now we rarely get those aromas, we know when something is cooking when we here strange sounds, it goes something like bee-eeeeep.

When I was little and stayed with my parents, the house next to our nest was filled with fun kids. They came out everyday and sang and danced and played all kinds of games. I never had a boring evening back then, I had so much fun watching them and trying to imitate them once they were back in. The kids in the house now hardly come out; I still see them through the window though. They are always perched upon a large seat staring at something; I never have figured what it is they keep looking at. But they are boring and being a bad influence on my kids!

My cousin runs an association for the safety and protection of our community, and she was telling me that we should start looking out for safer homes. Cities are no longer safe for us, she has told me, and I agree with her. I have myself seen so many of our friends fly back home to find their homes have come down to the street. That is why we ourselves moved from one of the street trees to a tree in a home. Usually we were chased away in a few days by the home owners earlier, but we are having luck on our side these days. They never seem to look up to see that there is a nest in their backyard!

Before and After - a Baby

2008-02-05T14:02:00.000-05:00

Before: When we went to restaurants and the food arrived, we would relish it and eat it slowly in between a long conversation.
After: When we go to restaurants and the food arrives, we first keep aside a portion that is tried and tested to be less spicy for her, gobble the food up real fast and beam over her in between.

Before: When we got back home from work, it was lazy evenings in front of the TV, cooking together recipes from a cookbook or Chinese take-outs.
After: When we get back from work, it is energy filled running around controlling the mischief like switching on and off the TV continuously, quick meals with less spice keeping her in mind.

Before: On weekends bright sunlight awakened us sometime mid morning.
After: On weekends bright eyes and a smile lit face awakens us early morning.

Before: Most outings were impromptu; we decided now and were out of the door in 30 minutes.
After: We plan outings in advance; when we are adventurous we decide now and the plan is out of the door in 30 minutes.

Before: We grumbled about going to birthday parties and when we did go to a few we would be the first ones to eat and leave.
After: We get excited to see birthday invites; plan her dress in advance and are the last ones to leave as she is having so much fun.

Before: Friday nights were dinner at a restaurant and a movie at the cinema.
After: Friday nights are dinner at home and a movie on our laptop in our room to aid us to sleep in the middle of it.

Before: Conversations over the phone with family was about us, our progress at work, fun things we did on the weekend.
After: Conversations over the phone with family is about her, her progress, the fun with her, and all this only when we get a chance to speak over the phone after her.

Before: Days could be categorized as happy days, sad days, boring days, eventful days and so on.
After: Days can only be categorized as Fun days.

Fun at One

2008-02-01T14:55:00.000-05:00

A (my baby) has started stringing 2-3 words together to make sentences. I thought I will capture all the baby talk and her funny ways to communicate before it turns into little toddler sentences.

Let me start with my favorite, what is your name and she says Anana. If she wants something she pats her chest and says Anana.

She knows two numbers. How old are you and she shoots up her index finger. And if you ask how many of anything are there, she says t-ree, with her index and middle finger wrapped together.

She has given me a new name, mi-mi. Don’t know how this started, she just came up with it one day (maybe its something to do with B referring to me as mommy to her). She also calls me amma at times, but it is mostly mi-mi, and if she is trying real hard to convince me about something it is mi-mi-ma.

If she feels a lot of love for someone, and she wants to express it she adds her name to ours, like, mi-mi-nana (that is mi-mi + anana) or appa-nana.

She was gifted the same kind of teddy bear by two people, so my parents told her that they were twin teddies and named them Ina and Mina. She calls out to them all the time as Ina-Mina as though its one word.

Her first animal sound was inney for neigh. When it started all farm animals said inney and we listened to it all day when she pointed to a pig, a horse, a cow and everything. Now she has added meow-meow, bow-bow and moo to her vocab.

She now knows how to communicate so that she gets what she wants. Like when we are asking her to finish up her dinner while we are eating ours, and she wants to tell B that she rather eat what is on his plate she says, appa mamm mamm. If B looks up at her to say what about my food, she pats herself and says anana.

She calls all kids ‘baby’ irrespective of their age. She is the youngest at her day care home and calls all the other kids baby. A few days after she started her day care, I asked her what do all the babies tell you at the day care, she pulls her cheeks with her hand and says, baby,baby much to my amusement!

She loves to ask for kisses (abba in her language), she points to her cheeks and says mi-mi abba.

She loves to talk over the phone to her thatu, tapi (she cant say pati), amamma, thata and her aunt (whom she calls by name!) She does a lot of pretend talk with her toy phone, and paces the room when she is talking. (We realized that is how B and I talk over the phone!)

Who says you cannot play Dumb Charades at 14 months. We had just blown candles and cut a cake when celebrating an occasion recently, after which she loved licking the icing. I put the whole cake away from her sight and started feeding her a piece I had cut. It did not have any icing and she did not like it. She tried to tell us something, but could not find the cake to point to. So she enacted the whole scene of blowing the candles and licking the icing to tell us she what she wants.

She knows what a restaurant is and gets all excited when we tell her we are going to one. When in a Chinese restaurant once, she kept nodding to the waitress indicating she wants food, when she realized that she is not understanding, she took her cheerios cup and showed it to her and said cup tappathi anana. Anything edible and circular is tappathi (chappathi) in her language, until she heard me tell naan at an indian restaurant last night. Every time the waiter came to fill our water glasses she called out her newly learnt word naan.

If she finds a book or a newspaper she pretends to read it and says, Ae-Eee or Ae-B.

She can understand 3 languages, thanks to the fact that I speak to her in Kannada, B speaks to her in Tamil and she is spoken to in English at the day care. It is amazing how kids learn at this age; though people told us we are burdening her with 3 languages she seems to treat it like second nature. When she talks she mixes all the 3 like mimi ba(come in kannada), baby tutam(water in tamil).

She absolutely loves the songs of the movie jungle book, and keeps walking on all her four limbs to imitate the elephants and mowgli march and sings akung akung.

Birds

2008-02-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

We spent the last weekend in a cottage on a bay amidst water and wilderness. The scenery was beautiful and the whole experience very relaxing. But amidst all that I was enlightened about something. Birds! There were a lot of birds that came in front of the cottage to peck on the bird seeds we had scattered. There was one bird that caught our attention the most, the northern cardinal. The color of its feathers was a beautiful red and it looked by far the most attractive amidst the others. Not being very knowledgeable about birds, I took the help of a book at the cottage to identify some. And here I found a very interesting fact. The female specie of the northern cardinal looks a lot different and has dull brown feathers. As I looked through the pictures in the book it so appeared that the males of most kinds were far more attractive than their female counterparts. Well maybe this was well known, but I had no clue about it. And then I thought, of course peacock and peahen, duh!!

Taare....a star

2008-01-14T11:57:00.000-05:00

B and I watched a hindi movie this weekend after a long time. “Taare Zameen Par”, yes we loved it. I guess it is popular enough for everybody, so I will spare you from the details of the movie itself. Beautiful subject and even beautifully made, totally enjoyed watching a movie like this. I think I am going to get hooked onto watching movies again.
In the process we discovered that our baby (I think I should start referring to her as something else soon) sleeps undisturbed when we watch a movie in the same room.
B cannot refuse to sit with me to watch an indian movie as I can quote this movie as an example when he says noooooooooooo.
I wept when the song ‘Maa’ played, much to B’s amusement, but what the…even Advani has cried watching this movie!

Give away?

2008-01-14T11:28:00.000-05:00

After becoming a mother I have wondered how parents give away their babies to a stranger. I am amazed by how determined they can be to accept something like this or how desperate the situation can be to take such a bold step.
Maybe my thoughts are too shallow to wrap my arms around something like this as I am an extremely possessive mom. (So much so that I did not call a day care provider who had advertised “I will be a mother for your child”. My thoughts: Hello a mother? Am I not alive and kicking?)
No situation can be judged unless you are in it, so my comments here are only a personal opinion. But still….

When I was doing my masters at a university in the US, I met a girl in the bus. She looked Indian, but when I heard her speak she had too strong an American accent, so I assumed she was an ABCD (if I may). It was her first day in school and she wanted me to show her where the library was so we walked into the campus together. When we introduced ourselves, she threw an American name at me and I was a little surprised and curious and had all these Whats and Whys in my head. She made it easy for me when she said “Are you from India, I am originally from there too, which part of India are you from?” When I said Bangalore, her eyes almost popped out and she said “That is where my birth parents are, I was adopted and got here by my parents”. And in the next few minutes described all that she knew about her birth parents, that they were construction workers, that they spoke kannada, and her original name was something else and her American parents did not remember what it was. She said that she had joined school to be able to study and earn enough to go to India and find her birth parents.

I felt really sad for her, here was a naïve girl who hardly knew anything about her birth parents and she had dreams of going to a far off place called Bangalore (all she knew is she needed a lot of money to go there), and find her parents who are construction workers. How easy can that be? What an irony that her parents probably got tempted with this offer when they thought their daughter can go to “Amrica” and be a well educated person, when the daughter’s sole reason to enter college after her high school was to make enough money to go to India to meet them.

Maybe I spoke to her on a day when she got all emotional on hearing the word Bangalore and she is fine and is like any normal person of her age. But she continues to haunt me to this day, hope she is happy where she is.

Happy 2008!

2008-01-02T09:08:00.001-05:00

The New Year is perceived to bring changes, but what changes do you notice when you wake up on the 1st? You are exactly in the same situation as yesterday, as last year and nothing has seemed to change.
In my opinion, the New Year is like a podium, an opportunity to pause from the routine and rise up from your current situation and make that change you have been wishing to make everyday. The change may be something really small or life changing, but the will to make it is what counts. And now when you finally decide to make that change you are not alone, as a lot of people are doing the same. There is a lot of positive vibe in the air, and that goes a long way when you need that extra push.
I think everybody needs a day every now and then to pause and recharge their life. A day to do a status check and see if things are going the way they are supposed to. I think it helps a lot to do this; it has always helped for me.
For those who have had a fabulous time last year, hope this new one is going to be yet another. As you have been soaring high, continue to soar higher!
For those who have been victims of a storm, hope all those bitter memories are now left as learning experiences in your mind. Hope not a minute of your new year is wasted feeling remorse, hope your good days start now and never end.
Happy New Year to everybody, build your dreams today and see them turn into reality through this year!

A bond for life

2007-11-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

Those tiny fingers that clasped my finger tightly all these months are now too busy with activity. My baby turned one, and I am feeling a hundred things at once, happy and proud for having her grown up into a healthy happy baby, sad that she grew up so fast and the days of baby fun are over, nostalgic about all that has happened in the past year, remorseful that I let time slip by on certain occasions and didn’t really pause and watch her grow.
It has been a wonderful experience being a mom; maybe my time as a mom has been too rosy so far as I have not got to handle the entire responsibility of having a baby as yet. I cannot thank both her grandparents enough for being there for her while I sneaked away to work ever since she was 2 months old. It is amazing how much they have taught her apart from caring for her needs.
Every morning she has waved to me as I left to work and occasionally protested on days like Monday or when she is not feeling well. But as she waves to me she has a haunting look in her eyes; I have that look embedded in my head. She asks me a hundred questions with those eyes; I will answer them all as soon as she is ready to understand.
For months after I went back to work, I always had a fear in me that my baby will not know me well. And yes, I think for several months she didn’t know me as somebody special, I was just somebody who played a “guest appearance” in her life. Our special moments were the time I nursed her, as she clasped my hand and looked up at me with those big eyes and I would talk to her. In the four waking hours a day I got with her I did not know what I should do as I would want to do a lot of things at the same time. And that feeling of having to leave her and go the next day always got the better of me. So for months I just secretly envied all the moms who would go on about how their babies stuck to them.
She still loved me a lot and ran to me with the same joy every evening and I was getting crazier about her by the day. We had a lot of good times together, but there was something missing, all the while. And one magical day it all changed. Don’t know if she took the first step or I did, I am still not sure what caused the change, but things changed and I finally had a daughter who was crazy about her amma. From that moment on there started a new bond between us, a bond that will grow stronger over the years and will remain for eternity.
I still leave to work and get back in the evening, but when we are together we forget the world and just have a good time. And I love being with her and I love the feeling I have when I get back home and she gives me the world’s greatest smile. I don’t think I will ever make the mistake of thinking about what I don’t have and waste precious time! So I am looking forward to a great year where we are going to have immeasurable moments together.

Tring tring...

2007-10-11T15:04:00.000-04:00

Me: Hello chinnamma

She: hmmmn

Me: What are you doing? Eating mamm mamm?

She: mamm mamm

Me: Have you been a good gal?

She: Silence

Me: Chinnamma?? Who is chinnamma?

She: Pats herself

Me: Say amma

She: Maamaa

Me: Did you watch the elephants march today on TV? How do they go marching? Hup two three four….you sing hup two three four*

She: Mmmm mm mm mm.

Me: Thrilled about the first phone conversation with my daughter.

* She has been watching the jungle book video and loves this song.
** The conversation by me was originally in kannada and has been translated.

Song Tag

2007-10-08T07:21:00.000-04:00

I was tagged twice for this, both by I love lucy and Shruthi, so here goes.

During college both B and I had our computers loaded with the game Aladdin, and it would so happen that the game would be paused when we would talk, and the song 'A whole new world' would play in the background. So it became ‘our song’.

It sure has been a magic carpet ride!

Anne Frank

2007-09-29T07:12:00.000-04:00

She touched one of the deepest corners of my heart. I first heard about ‘Anne Frank – The diary of a young girl’, more than a decade and a half ago and have ever since wanted to read this book, but for some reason or the other could not lay my hands on it. Finally I bought the book last February and was really excited about it and the next day I find out that I was expecting my baby. I was banned from reading anything that will make me even remotely sad. So it was another long wait and finally I read it these past days and it sure is one of the books that will leave a mark on me.

First of all I felt for the suffering she had to go through, but most of all I admired the way she handled it. I am amazed how a mere teenager that she was, adapted to the life changing events in her life. If I have taken something from this book, it’s the hope in life, the ability to live the best that you can in a given situation. For those of you who have not read this book and would like to read it, I do not want to give away too much. The book is a diary of a young Jewish girl who went into hiding with her family during the Holocaust in 1942. The book talks about her entire world in the small hiding place for 25 months. She writes about her day to day experiences, her innermost feelings and her hopes and fears for the future. This book is a must read!

While we are on this subject, I must mention that we visited the Holocaust museum in DC earlier this month. All I can say is anything visual has a deeper impact. We entered the museum only about half an hour before its closing time and so could not see everything. Children say it best, as what they say is straight from their heart, nothing more or nothing less. ‘Remember the Children – Daniel’s story’ is one exhibition in this museum which I will never forget.

Again while we are on this subject, if any of you have not watched the movie ‘Life is Beautiful’, I recommend you to do so as soon as you get a chance.

There are many descriptions of the Holocaust in print, picture and video, all of them make you realize what the victims went through. But seeing it through the victim’s eyes is a whole other experience!

Three Cheers!!!

2007-09-07T14:30:00.001-04:00

After a break of about a year I traveled to work this morning using modes of public transport and I am thrilled about it! It’s a 2 mile drive for me from home to the park and ride bus station. The parking is a 4 level covered parking, free of cost! Well, being in a DC metro I have to exclaim about free parking. Then it’s a 20 minute ride to a metro station and a 5 minute ride on the train to work (DC has an amazing subway train service). All in all I am at work in about 35 minutes, which believe me I cannot beat by driving alone.
As the bus cruised this morning on the HOV lane, I watched at the cars backed up on the other lanes and I had this sense of immense pleasure thinking of what I was not going through. I usually, well in Bangalore terms, foot-board on the train as I have to get off after 2 stops, and man oh man I cannot tell you the kicks I get out of that! This is the way I used to travel to work when I was expecting my baby last year and I cannot forget the looks on all the people’s faces when they kindly offered me a seat but I said no thank-you and stuck to my foot-boarding. Well, you cannot say no to a pregnant woman’s wish can you?
And how can I forget the luxury of all the time that you get at hand to do what you want. And I have so many options/wishes to make use of this time. I can read a book! I can think, meditate over my thoughts and ideas (Some more crazy fiction like the last one, anyone?). I can plan things like the menu for next week’s dinner party or get the grocery list for the week done or figure out how to better design my project or how to make variations in my baby’s menu…I can go on and on. Basically it is like adding a full hour to each day of my life to do what I want!!! Wow that is huge people!
And how can I forget about all the money that I am going to save on the parking and the toll! I found more things to think about now, what to shop with this additional money maybe?
And last but not the least I am contributing to the environment in my own small way! Can there be a better win-win situation now?
B sighs every night about how his workplace is 5 minutes from home and how I have to travel for 20 long miles, do I hear somebody saying they want to trade situations now??

Leaving behind

2007-09-04T12:49:00.000-04:00

As he gathered the last of his bags, he turned to look at the house one last time. Everything looked exactly like the way they had planned it that night when they signed the papers of the house. They had dreamt together to own a place, and they had arranged to buy it just in time for their wedding. And that is where they went for their honeymoon, to their very first home.
The place was filled with sounds of their voices, their laughter, his music, her singing, the smells of the food they cooked together and the people they entertained together. It was their sanctuary, a place where they came back to unwind after a tiring day.

She had left her impression in every part of their home; each corner was adorned with love. You could tell she was happy and proud and wanted to scream it out to everybody who entered their home. He looked around to find the framed maple leaf that was the first work of art that colored their living room. They had handpicked it on one of their romantic walks one fall. If the things in the house could talk, each one would have a story to tell, a story of their origin, of their existence and of the love that they saw grow everyday.

He had decided to move out just a week before and had had very little time to organize the move. You could tell by the way he had packed. He looked around and his gaze stopped at the kitchen. He set the bags down and walked towards it. He was standing there feeling the cold granite countertop when a sense of warmth swept through him. He closed his eyes and saw her cooking in there. She looked up with that same look in her eyes and smiled at him, that smile had made his day, every single day. He smiled now and looked at the hazy shaking images of the empty room. He walked out of the room fast, determined not to look back.

He stood at the foot of the stairs deciding whether to go up to the bedroom or not. He could feel his heart beat fast and his legs shake as he began to ascend the stairs. He could hear her voice call out to him from upstairs, his pace quickened and then he came to a stop when he heard the front door. He turned around to see his wife, ‘Hurry lets leave’, she said in a stern tone. She really seemed to be in a hurry today, she had waited enough for two years for him to accept her, for him to welcome her into his house and make it their home, for him to leave behind his past.

He had been promising to his wife that he would leave behind his past and erase all her memories. He had finally decided to do so, when moving into their new house, in fear of being left alone again, just as he had been five years ago.

As time goes by

2007-08-30T11:13:00.000-04:00

She gazed out of her window, with shining silver hair,
watching the neighbor’s little kids play,
Looking through them her thoughts went astray,
She saw visuals amidst the toys, books and clay.

A baby playing with her favorite doll,
sleep and food was all she cared.
She sees her toys, the birds and the flowers and the moon,
a big dream for her, her parents shared.

A kid walks to school, homework in hand,
secretly praying there won’t be more.
She sees her friends, the playground, and her books,
and dreams to finish school with the very best score.

A girl walks to college with her high heeled shoes,
hoping they think she has the beauty and the brains.
She sees the admiration, the competition and her reflection,
and dreams of wearing a cap and a gown.

A lover walks to meet the man the of her dreams,
hoping that the day does not end.
She sees his eyes, his arms and drowns in his words,
and dreams that she’ll soon be his bride.

A lady drives to work, sandwich in hand,
praying that her proposal gets accepted.
She sees the files, the world and the paycheck,
Want to climb high up the ladder, she thinks in her head.

A woman walks into her house, baby in her arms,
wishing for days with more than twenty four hours.
She sees the diapers, the bills, the meetings and the parties,
Things should soon become saner, a prayer she sends.

A mom bids goodbye to her kids leaving to school,
wishing that they don’t forget to call.
She sees an empty house, her graying hair and his wrinkled hand,
I cannot wait for grandkids, her heart bawls.

A grandmother sings to the youngest one,
wishing she could stay with them for the week.
She sees their smiles, their steps and their words,
Do I have to really leave for the home, she thinks.

She looks out of the window at the neighbor’s kids,
wishing if only life had a rewind and pause.
She sees her entire life through her memory's eyes,
wishing she had made some time to enjoy what she had.

Tagging along...

2007-08-24T14:11:00.000-04:00

I was tagged by S again, and here goes...

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.
I have a scar on my right leg. My parents had taken out the mattress of our cot to clean the place and me being 7-8 years was playing around the place. I looked at the cot without the planks and a bright idea occured to me. I had recently watched the movie Sagara Sangamam and was fascinated about how Kamal Hasan danced on the walls of a well balancing himself so well. I was at that point learning Bharatnatyam and wanted to try a leg at this act and went ahead when I got a chance to be alone in the room. And ofcourse I fell and scraped my leg pretty badly. I remember it was a sunday and we could not find a doctor for a long time and the wound bled a lot. I get the shivers thinking about it even today!

2. What is on the walls in your room?
A mirror.

3. What does your phone look like?
I am not too crazy about phones so much so that I dont remember the model of mine..its a silver colored flip phone Sony Ericson Z500 something.

4. What music do you listen to?
Started with just bollywood and Pop, now I also like rock, some forms of country, indian classical (ahem I know some people who know me are going what??? )

5. What is your current desktop picture?
A picture of my baby with one of her naughiest possible looks. :)

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
To pause and take a break from the routine and enjoy what I have.

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?
Yes why not its a free world.

8. Are your parents still together?
Very happily together.

9. What are you listening to?
Sounds of my colleague typing and friday afternoon chit chat from the break room.

10. Do you get scared of the dark?
Yes especially after I've watched a horror movie.

11. The last person to make you cry?
My baby, when she kept hugging me last evening when I returned home late from work.

12. What kind of hair/eye type do you like on the opposite sex?
I like black eyes and any type of hair. Not too fond of bald heads.

13. Do you like pain killers?
Yep when in pain I sure do, after I saw what labor pain feels like and I took the epidural. It is a god sent gift!

14. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Depends, my shyness is pretty unpredictable.

15. Favourite pizza topping?
onion, tomato, green bell pepper, pineapple, crushed red pepper and cheese.

16. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
kosumbari (cucumber salad)

A lull..

2007-08-21T11:21:00.000-04:00

and I am back. It has been a busy time for me…so much so that I could neither post anything nor read the blogs I usually do! Lots of things going on…
Things are really busy at work and to add to this we are moving into a new place this weekend. So the usual fair that involves a move, packing, cleaning and above all the planning! But am really excited about this move as I really like the house we are moving to and also because it is a little closer to my work place. And I am hoping against hope that because of this I will get more time with my baby from here on!
I had told myself that I will not act silly and will not write about this in this post, but I cannot help it. The new place has a walk in closet and I being all of 5 ft and 1 inch think it’s the best thing that is happening to me. Now suddenly everything in my closet will be reachable! So here I am dreaming of it day and night! These days when I am not in a good mood all that B says is the magic words ‘walk-in closet’ and that’s enough to cheer me up!
And when I am not being busy at work or with the packing or dreaming about the closet, my baby is in full charge of all my attention. She is on a spree doing new things. She is standing without support for a few seconds and both we and she are thrilled about it. And she now tries to communicate with a few actions, and keeps us busy trying to decipher them. And above all she calls me Ma!!! I have been on cloud nine about it until she started calling B. Its Ma for me and Pa..pa..pa..pa..pa for B. Does the number of repetitions indicate the excitement in seeing the person….I wonder!
Anways all in all I’ve been busy but I have been busy for good reasons…and I think I am now officially back to the world of blogging.

These days...

2007-08-10T17:06:00.000-04:00

these are some of the things my baby does...

Gets up from her sleep with a smile. Sometimes I find her playing in her crib after she has got up.

Waves to say Hi

Salutes to say good morning

Waves to say bye

Claps her hands if we sing..clap clap clap….clap your hands.

Crawls fast to the bathroom if we say shall we give you a bath.

Loves her bath. She has her own small mug with bath buddies and pours water on herself

Answers by saying hmmmnn if I ask her do you want mammm mammm (food) or laala (milk)

Looks into my eyes and tries to read my lips when I tell her something new that she does not understand.

Looks into my eyes and then looks at something and goes hmmmnn when she wants it.

Goes bananas about bananas and shows the fruit basket and goes hmmmnn meaning I want one

Has a balloon in the shape of a monkey holding a banana and knows the difference between monkey’s banana and A’s banana

Repeats after me if I sing lalalala or kakaka or tatatata.

She thinks any rhythmic sound is music and moves her body to the tune, like the sound of the dishwasher or stirring a cup with a spoon.

Loves her bitter sweet vitamin drops and asks for it every night with her usual hmmmnn. Once she has had her dose smiles at me and then the bottle on the table knowing she’ll get it again the next day.

Plays patty –pat with my hands

Plays peek-a-boo using her blanket

Likes to observe our fingers and imitate when we sing ‘Where is thumbkin’
She moves all her fingers when it comes to ‘Where are all the fingers’

Say ‘Gimme a five’ and she will give you one.

Makes her grandparents take her for a ride on her bike all around the house

Asks her Thata to take her for a walk as soon as he gets dressed

Shows the pictures of Amamma and Thata and her Aunt when asked where they are

Waves when she sees a plane

Kisses saying aaabaaa

Does purrrrrrrrrrrr on my tummy

Clicks her tongues if she hears somebody do it.

Covers her ears with her hands if she hears the cooker or the blender.

Loves it if we play a game where we pretend that we cannot see her and say ‘Where is A, I cant see A, where did she go?’ She comes close to you and waits till you see her face and say ‘There you are!’

Pats herself if you ask her ‘Who is A?’

Loves to see pictures in books, and turns the pages one by one to see them.

Goes to sleep listening to a story in the night

Loves her soft toys and promptly hugs them every now and then

She shows her affection by patting, so when I get back from work and carry her she puts her head on my shoulder and pats my back.

Loves her blanket, she will drop anything and run to it if she sees it.

Loves her dad even more, she will even drop the blanket and run to him!

What is with my memory?

2007-08-10T13:38:00.000-04:00

There were times when I used to remember my friends' birthdays well in advance and I used to make plans days ahead! And today I conveniently forget these dates and what is more, I don’t even realize when I see an email from them!
Aug 7th was my friend R’s birthday and yes I forgot, what is new about it these days! But what was really unbelievable is I got a general email from her this morning telling me that she is reading my posts, etc. and I still don’t realize! Here I am sending her a reply seeing her name and the date together and yet not a single clue!
Just growing old or too preoccupied with things? I think its both. I think its being too preoccupied with things because of the responsibilities with my age. Whatever! I still feel as bad as before even after all the reasoning! So, will make an effort not to be too preoccupied and get lost.
Before I delay it further, Belated Happy Birthday R!!! Hope your day was fun and the celebrations will continue through the weekend. May all your wishes come true this year!!!And I will make sure that I wish you on time for the many more birthdays to come!

Things I like...

2007-08-10T06:54:00.000-04:00

My friend S tagged me to write my favorite things, so here goes...

Playing with my baby
Seeing her smile as soon as she wakes up
Walk with B on a cloudy day
Cloudy sky
Friday evenings
A cozy dinner
A relaxed evening with a movie and popcorn
My mom’s saaru
Parents and I talking in their room on Sunday afternoons and early mornings
Early morning walks with my dad
My room at my parent’s place
Sleep over with friends
Good food
Cooking together with B
My grandmother’s gojju
My mother in law’s pongal
The feeling of being home at the end of a long day
Well organized home
Talking nonstop about the day once I return home
A ready cup of coffee when I wake up
Heartfelt compliments
Surprises
Getting wet in the rain
Eating ice cream in the rain
The fresh smell of rain
Reading a book by the river surrounded by mountains
Reading a good book without putting it down
Unexpected holidays
Flowering trees in spring
Autumn leaves
Walking on dried leaves
Chasing birds
Wearing a saree
Fresh sheet of linen on my bed
Genuine smile of strangers
The sight of my car on a hot day
Singing in the shower
Turning in circles in an empty room
A long bath
Hair massage
Back massage
Prisms
Google.com

I thought I just started writing this list and I can go on and on. I think I will refer to this on gloomy days so that one of the things in the list will set things right for me! And one more thing, this list is in no particular order :)

Through a mom's eyes

2007-08-07T16:39:00.000-04:00

Before I became a mom (or maybe to-be mom), I would find it funny that people always spoke about their kids. It seemed like they glorified every small thing that their little one did. And so I had decided, that one day when I have one of my own, I will not talk too much about my baby and will not brag about what she does.
Well, that was then and here I am now! After 9 months of pregnancy and delivering my baby and 9 months of being a new mom, I am in total awe of my princess! I cannot stop talking about her and being constantly amazed by what she does.
In March 2006, I saw a tiny black pumping dot with a heartbeat displayed on the screen of the Sonogram monitor, and that was the moment we were introduced to our baby. For the next 8 months, she moved, she squirmed, she wriggled, she kicked, and sometimes she didn’t do anything for hours and made me rush to the ER. I finally met her physically on an evening in Nov, and (here I begin) she was more than I had imagined through all the months! I say this for two reasons; I was warned by a lot of people and in my Lamaze classes about the awkwardness that babies are born with, but she looked perfect to me; And the other, I thought she was my baby too, what is with her being a photocopy of B!
She has me totally mesmerized with her actions everyday and the next day only gets even better. It has been a joy watching her achieve her physical milestones of rolling over, swimming and crawling on the floor, sitting and standing. Cannot wait to see those tiny steps! But what I have enjoyed the most is the work of her mind! Her mind seems like a sponge which just absorbs almost everything that she sees and hears. I think I can start another blog about the work of her mind! But maybe a post will follow soon.
I have been thinking about what makes my baby’s crawling or babbling so different from that of numerous kids that I have seen? What is so special about every one of those little actions that I just cannot stop talking about? I think it’s the very fact that she is the first baby I have seen transforming from that tiny dot on the ultrasound monitor, to the soccer player inside me, to the innocent face learning to satisfy her hunger, to the infant learning to be mobile, to the baby understanding her surroundings and knowing who is who, to the person who tries to communicate with her eyes and babbles! I can only see this fascination with her grow over the years, and I can now understand how each of those parents felt all these past years.

Food Blog

2007-08-06T15:19:00.000-04:00

Just as I promised (I guess more to myself!) in my earlier blog, I have started a food blog. I have barely started posting there so bear with me!

http://treasures4life.blogspot.com/

Crush on Cash

2007-08-04T04:59:00.000-04:00

No I do not have a crush on money, but I think I do have one on Johnny Cash! It was not until I watched the movie ‘Walk the Line’ that I was introduced to his music. The credit goes to Joaquinn Phoenix for doing such a great job on the singing. The movie was good but what kept haunting me were those songs. I put it all behind for a while, but the ‘Burns burns burns’ of the song ‘Ring of Fire’ kept echoing in my mind time and again.
B finally could not bear to hear me hum it all wrong and got me his 16 biggest hits CD.
I cannot tell you how many times I have listened to that CD, it has been a blessing on all those days I was stuck in DC traffic. I think what I really like the most is his gruff voice, but also the way he speaks some simple words into the mike along with the music to compose a song!

It has been fun to feel like a teenager again, when I hear the words ‘Hello I'm Johnny Cash’. I cannot qualify as his fan as yet as I have not heard any other songs of his other than his biggest hits, but I’ve liked what I have heard so far. My personal favorite is ‘Walk the Line’, its amazing how these three little words can mean a whole lot!

Candy or Candid?

2007-08-02T15:56:00.000-04:00

I was walking home from the parking lot when I met my neighbor.

Me: Hello, how are you?

Neighbor: I am doing good. Been really busy. I haven’t seen you in a long time!

Me: Yes it has been a while. etc…Oh I wanted to tell you, we are moving to another place in 3 weeks.

Neighbor: Oh really! I will miss you soooooo much….etc.

I was smiling all the while, the moment she said this I stopped. Why will she miss us?? We hardly see each other once a month and when we do, it is just some friendly exchange of words without even knowing each other’s names. It was so difficult for me to talk to her for the next couple of minutes, because I knew I could not respond to her with the same kind of talk and I really didn’t want to tell her things that I did not mean!

I have been in these situations many times and have always failed to know how to react. Honestly I find it silly that people say things like this and it is so outright obvious that they don’t mean it at all. I don’t get it! Do they think they are making the other person feel good? Well speaking for myself, I feel far from good, I feel uncomfortably irritated. I feel disconnected with the person I am talking to as soon as I hear something like this.

That being said, there have been a few situations where I have had to make comments that I have not meant, simply because I wanted to be polite. I am not as revolutionary to just speak my mind out at all times. Like when somebody gets me something which I really didn’t like, I’ve said it is nice simply because of the fact that they got something means a lot to me. But I will not go on and on about how much I liked it unless I really felt.

In another incident, X has invited Y and family for dinner and everybody in the room knows that X is not a great cook.

X: Hope you liked the food.

Y: Oh the food, it is excellent! Very tasty food! Your husband is one lucky man I must say! (Turning to his wife) How come the chutney does not taste as good when you make it, you must get this tasty recipe from her today!

Agreed that Y could not have said ‘I am barely able to eat this with a smiling face’!
He could have just said ‘Nice food, thanks for inviting us’. But he instead went all out in the process embarrassing X and her poor husband and above all irritating his wife.

Maybe it is just me who thinks this way and people are fine the way they are. Maybe this is the protocol of the world and you are required to communicate with a façade at all times. If it is then I don’t care to follow it, I am fine the way I am. If I come across as rude, so be it!

Treasures of Life

2007-07-30T23:10:00.000-04:00

One of the most cherished memories of my childhood is the times I spent with my mom when she would cook up something special for me during my summer vacation. I being the foodie I am would be excited right from the word go! I can still remember the smell of the 'Benne biscuit' (Butter biscuit) baking in the oven or the fresh homemade mango ice cream kept in the freezer to set. I would promptly check every few minutes to see if it is done. I wouldn't do much, but just watch her (primarily in anticipation of the end result) but in the process learnt so much. And more than anything I just enjoyed the process of watching all the ingredients come together to form a savorable delicacy. Its the fun of blending ingredients together and the excitement of getting to eat at the end of it that I enjoy cooking as much as I do. Its been a source of relaxation rather than a daily chore (Ofcourse I have my lazy days too!).

When I am with my daughter today, I think of those days and I get a warm feeling and I think that I would love for her to have the same feeling years later. That made me realize how important it is to treasure the recipes that have been a part of five years of my cooking life. Once somebody told me that one of the best things you can inherit are family recipes as there will be nothing else you will use more in your day to day life.

So here is to sharing some treasures of my life. Some have been passed on, some found on cyberland and some results of some experiments along with another food enthuse B.

Sixth Sense

2007-07-29T01:09:00.000-04:00

I have always wondered if this happens to everyone. Just the other day we went to see a house for rent, and as soon as I saw this place I was immediately certain this has to be our new home. We applied for the house, and waited and what did we hear! That someone else applied for the house before us and got the place. I was restless when I heard that, thought I will give it one last try and spoke to the agent, but with no luck. So it was all put behind and we started looking for other places. But this one feeling inside me kept saying we’ll be in that house. I kept shrugging it saying how silly of me! A few days later we get a call saying they want to offer us the house as it did not work out with the other folks! Now we are all set to move into this place next month.

What was that inner feeling I felt? Was it some logical thinking of my mind or hopeful wishing of my heart? I think I’d like to believe its some sixth sense that pops up from somewhere. Doesn’t stick around all the time, but just comes out of nowhere when I least expect it. It has startled me when I was led by this feeling in some of the most important incidents of my life like when I met my husband (B) or the birth of my baby. It has scared me when this feeling told me that my uncle was breathing his last when he was far away in India. It has amused me when this feeling told me at times what the other person might be thinking. But on the whole it has just amazed me, and before anybody assumes I have some super power let me tell you something, I really don’t! If I did I would have used it every single day and made my life so much easier.

I have seriously tried to force this feeling to act a lot of times and how I wish I was successful. Like when I was gambling at a casino, if only this feeling would have led me to win a few thousand bucks. At work when we are at a design meeting, if only the feeling would tell me the best possible design even before anything, I would have looked like a genius. And during those zillion arguments with B, I could have always been the winner, especially when I have to navigate when we drive; I could have always known whether we should turn left or right.

This sixth sense continues to enchant me and I wonder at what other times in my life I will encounter it. The one I wonder most about is whether it would be around to tell me when it is the end of the road!

Lets play Peekaboo!

2007-07-23T13:56:00.000-04:00

The moment that made me pause and take a peek at my life, was this moment when I was with my eight month old daughter baking a cake. I had just then handed her a spatula so that she would amuse herself with it while I continued with beating the eggs. When I turned to see what she was doing, I saw her moving the spatula in a circular motion just like the way I was moving my whisk. Initially I thought it was cute that she was doing what I was, and then I realized she DOES WHAT I DO! And that sent a shiver down my spine. For the first time I realized the onus of being a mom. I have to from here on watch what I say and watch what I do.

That started a whole new thought process, what is it that I really do these days? Get up, rush to work, traffic, work, deadlines, rush home, traffic, baby, chores, dinner, next day, exhaustion, sleep(dreams are a bonus on some lucky days). And then the weekends, there are two kinds of weekends. One is when you just shred all the to-do lists and take off somewhere and have so much fun that it feels like you are drunk and have no worries in life. It is a total feeling of being high but the following Monday morning you have a terrible hangover and you have to start from scratch with your to-do lists. The second kind are the weekends when you slog to finish all the chores on your to-do lists, at the end of it you get up on Monday morning feeling you absolutely had no weekend this time. Whatever happened to enjoying every moment in life? I realized I no longer measure life in moments, I think of it more in terms of hours or days or maybe even weeks. Days come and go so fast and YOU just get lost in them.

I finally realized I cannot get lost in time, I have to break free from the routine for a few moments (yes I have decided to value moments) everyday and reintroduce me to myself first and then to those big eyes that look up to me! Its time to play Peeek-aaa-booo!

P.S – My blog’s name has three vowel characters instead of one because all other spellings were already taken! And isnt this really the way we say it most of the times :)